What's the Problem with Balls?

Two things struck me in the news today; more than likely completely unrelated, but time will tell. First off, radio evangelist Harold Camping who wrongly predicted doomsday back in May, thinks the real end of the world could be today. Secondly, the much anticipated new Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor, Schweddy Balls, is causing uproar in the supermarket world. Is it even remotely possible that fudge covered rum balls buried deep in Vanilla ice cream could lead to the end of the world? At least for now we appear to be safe, the doomsday moment has once again come and gone. As long as we are all still here, I’m going to go back to the “Balls.” Seems the Mississippi based One Million Moms (OMM) group is putting the pressure on supermarket chains not to carry the elicit flavor, even asking consumers to write to Ben and Jerry and ask them to stop production. The Moms feel the product name is “nothing but locker room humor that's not appropriate for young children.” I needed to know why the “One Million Moms” found this to be a worthy cause for concern, so I did a little research.

One Million Moms, is a ministry of the American Family Association, and are working hard to rid the world of numerous “threats” to America’s youth other than offensive ice cream flavors. Another recent target of OMM was Dancing with the Stars, the ABC Network and all product sponsors. What was the problem you might ask? The Dance competition “had the audacity” to air a definition of "transgendered” while showing a childhood picture of Chas Bono. Even the child friendly Sesame Street has not escaped the watchful eye of the Mississippi Moms. They recently urged their members to “Sign a petition to the Public Broadcast Service encouraging them to keep Bert and Ernie's relationship as it has been since 1969 (I’m assuming they mean in the closet). "The characters should remain just friends, and PBS should not even consider a gay wedding on Sesame Street or adding a transgender character to the show.” And Ben and Jerry aren’t the only ones having their “Balls” attacked; OMM is also taking aim at Unilever, the makers of AXE body spray for their ad campaign. The AXE commercial has two females discussing how men clean their balls. One replies that they can have more fun with clean balls. “The commercial is aimed at cleaning sports balls, but s*xual innuendo is obvious," states OMM, the anti-ball organization. They go on to complain that the entire advertisement “alludes to men's g*nitalia while the females have smirks on their faces and handle and play with sports balls. One female asks the other, "Go ahead and play with these clean balls." The other responds with, "I could play with these balls all day.” The best part is that with each “issue” the OMM include a direct link to the offensive material and often describes in graphic detail the content which disgusts them. I would even go out on a limb and say that their website may in fact be dangerous for young children. I could literally go on and on with this, but I will assume that you can Google it on your own and peruse their top 26 issues.

I should move on before the Moms decide to find me and boycott my Journey,although I am pretty sure they would have numerous other reasons not to “follow” me. I’d rather talk about the “Balls” anyway. Ben & Jerry’s newest flavor references a 1998 Saturday Night Live skit featuring Alec Baldwin as baker Pete Schweddy, who promises, "No one can resist my Schweddy Balls." Alec’s character is being interviewed in a spoof of NPR radio show “Delicious Dish” about holiday treats. Baldwin arrives with his specialty Rum Balls for the hosts to sample. The entire 5-minute parody is full of ball humor; not only are they “Schweddy”, they are also misshapen and they smell good. If I remember correctly there was a similar skit dedicated to muffins with Betty White, which the female hosts discuss in great deal their desire to eat muffins, how great they taste and their aversion to dry or yeasty muffins. I don’t recall a similar public outcry against muffin production; maybe that one slipped by the ladies from Mississippi? (Shoot, did I go back to them again). As long as I’m here, I hope that none of the southern Belles has a husband named “Dick” or he’s got some explaining to do. I also would like to know if it’s just “balls” that they have a problem with or if “salty nuts” and “cocktails” are also off their menu. I can safely assume that their children are never allowed to order the chicken “breast” at a restaurant and that the roosters on their farms have been trained to start the day with a simple “...A Doodle Do.”

I am going to be as open-minded as I can at the moment and accept that people are entitled to their own opinions and are free to fight for the causes that they believe in. But, you knew there was one coming, I have to believe that even the narrowest minds have something better to be focused on than the name of an ice cream. If anyone is overly concerned that "Shweddy Balls”" or apparently any ball related euphemism is going to corrupt young children, than they should take it upon themselves to safeguard their boys and girls against balls of any kind and let the rest of us enjoy any flavor we want. It’s a free country and some nights I might want "Chubby Hubby" and others "Karamel Sutra", if it’s been a particularly bad day I might head right for the "What a Cluster". This is just the kind of ridiculousness that, combined with a few drinks, could provide an entire evening of laughter. After which I would go in search of a progressive grocer who would be bold and brave enough to sell me some ice-cold "Schweddy Balls" to take back home to my bed.