Every now and then the workday comes to a close much later than I was planning (like 6 pm yesterday) and a trip to the store or turning on the oven are not viable options. Yet the idea of sitting in a restaurant with menus and ordering and wait staff are no more appealing. This kind of night was made for Five Guys Burgers and Fries. It doesn't happen very often, thankfully for my jeans, but when the mood strikes there is nothing like it. There are a few other "bad for me" food cravings that you will learn about when their time comes; if I talk about them now it could create an unnatural urge and that is a dangerous thing. For now, I will focus on the tasty, fast, greasy, goodness of the Guys.
This fast-food burger is really too good to be mentioned in the same category as the Golden Arches or the King or even Dave's Daughter. The only comparable I've ever eaten in the over-the-counter category would be In-N-Out, and we don't have them here, so I never have to choose. If I was going to trade up to a restaurant burger, that’s a whole different story. That night usually includes a beer and maybe some higher-end sides. If it were that kind of meal I'd be at Max Burger, and if the wait is over 45 minutes, I would head to Joe Pizza (despite the name, great burgers and eggplant fries). Last night I had simple goals: eat and go home, fast and cheap.
The five guys experience is perfect from beginning to end. Order at the counter, no choices to make other than cheese or no cheese, single or double, free topping selection, fry quantity and beverage. Full disclosure: cheese, double, no toppings (5 Guys purist), 2 large fries (for 3 adults), water. Take a number, take a seat, and eat unlimited free peanuts (in the shell, not a bowl) while you wait. A recently added soda machine in our location (made by Maserati, I think) serves up individually created flavors with hundreds of possible combinations. Not appealing to me from a beverage standpoint, I am a "water only" girl (although the water button is nice and the water is cold and clear) but Andrew liked the PowerAde, vanilla, something else concoction he invented. Soon enough our number is called and I dole out the tin foil packages by number to the three of us. The fries stay mostly in the bag, already showing signs of grease penetration on all sides, but I pay no attention because I am already under a potato spell. On a side note, although it's a cute gimmick, I'm not sure I need to know where the spuds were raised (tonight’s were from Redlands, Washington). All I really need to know is that 2 large orders are placed in the brown bag, another load is dumped in as an added bonus and that mixed in among the ordinary ones are the extra crispy pieces that I will steal from everyone else's pile. Interesting fact, which is also irrelevant but must have some merit, fries and burgers are ”trans-fat free” (because that was going to be the decision maker for me). If you have dietary restrictions you have limited options, gluten-free eaters should stick with the fries (buns are glutinous) and Vegans, well you could enjoy the grilled cheese or the veggie sandwich, but beware, anything on the griddle could come in contact with both beef and gluten. I am fairly certain that the consumer with dietary concerns is not the target market here, and obviously if you have a serious peanut allergy, you should stay far, far away (free peanuts are displayed for the taking in large boxes). I do appreciate the corporate message on the way out the door asking customers to keep the peanuts inside the restaurant “in order to limit the risk of someone unknowingly coming into contact with peanuts." I wonder if this notice was the result of a lawsuit from a rogue customer who exited with handfuls of peanuts and randomly attacked highly allergic strangers in the parking lot? According to five guys management, they have offered the peanuts for 20 years, and although they don't want to exclude guests, they don't want to disappoint peanut-eating guests, and instruct those with Allergies to not "risk their health by coming in to our restaurants." I'm thinking that maybe they should warn those not taking Lipitor to do their best to also stay away.
My meal ends with when the last satisfying fry eaten intersects with a sudden feeling of nausea and disgust. It is often when the fry bag is finally empty, but last night there were a few unclaimed taters that joined the peanut shells in the garbage. On a previous visit the counter guy let me know that leftover fries provided a great base for home fries the next morning. Apparently he did not know that (a) there is usually nothing left "to go" and (b) the last thing I want or need the morning after is to revisit the fries. When I exit there are no peanuts in my possession (I am obviously looking out for the allergy prone) and I once again vow that this will not happen again for at least a few months. I did not add insult to injury with dessert; other trips have ended with an ice cream "palate cleanser", but thankfully not this one. Hours later when I have digested enough to attempt sleep; I pay the price for the salt overload and accompanying water compensation with multiple nighttime trips to the ladies room. I will do my best to stay away from salt in any form today; there is Temple and hosiery in my future, bloating is not a welcome addition.
I apologize if I made anyone unnecessarily hungry or if you’re getting in the car right now to head to your local Five Guys. If by chance that happened, enjoy it today, pay for it later tonight, and make up for it tomorrow. For now, I have successfully recovered from my fall off the wagon and tonight for dinner I will reward myself with a healthy, non-fried, non-fat (original tart) Pinkberry, topped only with fresh fruit.
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