Round and Round

I’m getting a late start again tonight, seems to be happening a lot lately. I suppose I found new rhythm posting at the end of the day and it seems to be working fine for now. Good news is I’m watching less reality TV, bad news is I’m watching less reality TV. Only other side effect is that if I wake up with something specific to say and don’t get to saying until now, sometimes, the thought passes and I’m not in the same mood by the time I end up at the keyboard. And so I have fleeting thoughts here and there the rest of the day, but if I try to force it, the words don’t come. Once more it came to me tonight in the car, specifically on the way home from picking up Chinese food (bad week for home cooking), courtesy of Harry Chapin. I occasionally burn CD’s for my car, strange mixes of everything from Lupe Fiasco (Till I Get There), Springsteen (Working on a Dream), Cat Stevens (Father and Son), The Cars (Let the Good Times Roll), Jay Z - Alicia Keys (Empire State of Mind) and of course, Harry. I was actually listening to “Let Time Go Lightly” when the thought struck, which led me to another favorite, “Circle.” If I could figure out a way to have it playing in the background while you read this I would, feel free to pause and access through itunes. Seems like Harry just knew how to put the words and the music together, doesn’t happen that much anymore, other than a chorus or two that manage to stick with me. He was 38 years old when he died in a car accident in 1981, 30 years of music lost since then. So tonight as I was listening to “Circle”, every word came back to me as If I had been singing along for all these years, but now the words told a whole new story... mine.

All my life's a circle;

Sunrise and sundown;

Moon rolls thru the nighttime;

Till the daybreak comes around.

All my life's a circle;

But I can't tell you why;

Season's spinning round again;

The years keep rollin' by.

I don’t think I could have understood what Harry was saying until I'd gone round and round for almost fifty years. Somehow when I was younger I saw the future ahead as a straight line, A to B to C and so on. What I’m just starting to figure out is that there are no straight lines; we spend a bulk of our years going through the same motions. When we are younger things change more rapidly, never in one place or one phase for long; College, Marriage, Babies …each one has a set time limit, but now we are in a long stretch without change. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, predictable can be comforting and safe, but it can also feel like a never-ending circle. But Harry doesn’t leave me hopeless, he saw the beauty in the sphere and I am learning to as well.

It seems like I've been here before;

I can't remember when;

But I have this funny feeling;

That we'll all be together again.

Fitting that this week, inspired by this blog I’m happy to say, a movement began to re-assemble all of my bunkmates from our last year together as campers and jointly celebrate our combined 50th birthdays. In less than a week we have 21 committed (at least to the idea, if not the date), not sure how many that leaves us, but we can’t be far from almost the whole group. Perhaps more literal than Harry meant it, but every day people come back in to my life as if they were never gone and we continue in the circle together. Tonight at dinner when I was sharing with Scott and Andrew the Camp Tevya joint birthday plan, Andrew said he was sure there were some of his camp friends he would never see again, I assured him he had no idea who would reappear in his lifetime, and even Scott agreed. It’s nice to know that even as the seasons keep spinning and the years keep rollin’ there is always another surprise around the corner. Every day holds the promise of something new, even when the routine seems the same. There will be days when change isn’t welcome and we long for predictable, but we’ll move ahead regardless because the circle is always in motion.

No straight lines make up my life;

And all my roads have bends;

There's no clear-cut beginnings;

And so far no dead-ends.

I have had my share of “bends” in my 49 years, but they have just led me somewhere else. With every ending, there was a beginning of a new phase, not always easy, but here I am. I’m thinking of the people in my life, the ones closest to me; my grandmother, my mother, my husband, each one faced tragedy head on and found a new path back to the simple joy of sunrise and sundown. I know, without question, that I am stronger because of them. Odd, but I just realized that I haven’t told you any of their stories yet, but one will come later this week. For better or worse, I’ve come to expect the unexpected, I’m prepared to bend if I have to and I’ve had a lot of practice.

I found you a thousand times;

I guess you done the same;

But then we lose each other;

It's like a children's game;

As I find you here again;

A thought runs through my mind;

Our love is like a circle;

Let's go 'round one more time.

Although my life may be a circle, and days sometimes roll into months without change, I’m starting to find the beauty in the monotony. With each rotation my circle gets a little bit larger, like a snowball rolling down a hill; and nothing is ever lost, because it always comes ‘round again.