Saturday in the cart

I think today will be a BJ's day. If you're not familiar, don't Google it - without adding "wholesale club."  It's a warehouse food club (think Costco), and if my opener was leading you in another direction, well, you won't be the only one disappointed. Just because I was curious as to why someone would choose these particular initials for their masthead, I go to the source of all knowledge, Wikipedia. The letters B and J stand for Beverly Jean, a daughter of one of the founders; do you think they called her "BJ" too, and was she popular in high school? Moving on, I pay $50 a year for the privilege of buying as much toilet paper and towel paper as I can fit in my car. I have no idea if the prices are competitive, I am not familiar with the per-unit pricing at the non-warehouse stores (Jeffrey is consumed by this data at BJ’s). I do know that I only go with Jeffrey (used to take the kids with the promise of free samples) and together we buy the stuff that I'd rather not lug into the house on my own after a trip to Big Y (think Tide and Poland Springs).  I also like the free samples and the cheap kosher hot dogs at the concession stand, makes for a nice afternoon date. I also know that no matter what we intended to buy, or how many things end up in our giant red wagon, we will spend $300 (give or take).

Our house must have a pantry cycle that I am not in sync with (or don't want to be). We stock up in rotations of (a) cleaning supplies and paper goods or (b) cereal, snack food and toiletries; one trip decidedly tastier than the other. There are always the impulse purchases (so sad that I could be impulsive about anything in a cement floored building). A sudden yen for new socks, cereal storage containers or a 10 lb. bucket of dog treats is not uncommon. Regardless of the shopping list, we follow the same route upon entrance: Right side, front to back, Middle, Left side, back to front. There are rows we have never purchased a single item and yet we still weave in and out; what if they have something new? Side trips are allowed if a food sample is in view, one person stays with the cart; other person retrieves samples for two. When we finish the right side, inventory will include water bottles, red plastic cups, paper plates - necessities in both a & b trips. Temptation Island is in the middle; candy, individually packaged snack foods and the dreaded giant bag of Stacy’s Pita Chips (I am a recovering addict, even one is too many). It is easier to avoid this section altogether, not in my carriage, not in my jeans. We cruise past the deli and the grocery, I will never need 10 lbs. of American cheese or 24 chicken breasts in one package (I am not a freezer/defroster type - protein is purchased daily because I don't know what I want to eat or cook until the afternoon ). We will move on to the left side, where the cart practically fills itself. Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Fiber One bars (bet you can figure out which one is for me) fly off the shelf when they sense we are approaching. Olive oil and balsamic vinegar are one step closer to their union in my perfect salad dressing (Scott's favorite, he might have moved home just for a steady supply). The other condiments and canned goods are a bit baffling to me; industrial drums of mayonnaise and baked beans seem only appropriate for a segment of "Eat This, Not That." (This Cheesecake Factory Grilled Shrimp & Bacon club (formerly my favorite) is equal to the 10,000 calories in this vat of mayonnaise). Unless you own a restaurant or are having a cookout for 500, just say no. Tuna is always on the list, not the doorstopper can, the 6-pack (and always Bumble Bee solid white in water). "Should we or shouldn't we" options include Nutella, Ramen and Easy Mac. When we turn right into toiletries we're in the home stretch.  Final carriage occupants are Contac solution, Colgate (paste not gel), Gold Bond (yellow not green), and Tampax (color would be TMI), and we'll be done.

Checkout is its own challenge. We won’t pick a line with any of the following: customer has a flatbed, family with 2 carts, staff person who's seems tired or in a bad mood (this requires an experienced spotter), or if the lane number is flashing (rookie mistake). After unloading, one person watches the screen (not sure why, wouldn't know an incorrect price if I saw one), the other person re-loads the cart like a game of Tetris (rotate left, slide down, stack, stack...). That will be $297.72, swipe, sign, done. We won’t forget to leave our slip handy; top notch security will perform a visual scan of our purchases and match them to the receipt. Have they ever caught anyone hiding unaccounted for Jif? Clearance granted, and we'll be on our way.

This story always ends the same way. We'll drive home, carry as much as we can inside, in as few trips as possible. Everything gets put away in its rightful home, except toiletries which lay in wait on the stairs until someone goes up. An hour or so will go by, whichever child or children are home will wander past the pantry, open the double doors, 2- second pause,"There's nothing to eat, didn't you just go to BJ's?"