Ebb and Flow

Yesterday got me thinking about the expression "ebb and flow". Originally for the obvious reason of the sudden “flow” in my basement, but as it ebbed, I had another thought. Life itself is an endless ebb and flow. A current, in and out, of everything that’s important. People and things are always in motion, each has days and times when they are more or less the center of our attention. What seems most significant one day is almost inconsequential on another? Something trivial on Tuesday can be overwhelming on Wednesday. Up and down, back and forth; a constant seesaw of what is happening and how we respond.

The flooded basement, my literal example, filled to almost my knees with cold, brown water (not sewage I need to add), but by the end of the day it was only visible in the carpeting, now cut and rolled and waiting for the trash collector.  I was most surprised by how little it bothered me. Surely watching the water rise against the sheetrock and the remote controls float by had its shock value, but as I casually responded to the various Facebook comments regarding my photos, it's just stuff. Certainly in another time (like when it happened 10 years before) I reacted much differently. Even the basement, in the bigger picture, was more important when the kids were younger and their life revolved around what happened down there. I guess even a playroom has a cycle, and for now it plays a lesser role in the scheme of things. At this moment the bigger concern was not the Wii (which has said goodbye, but no worries, they are much more connected to the PS 3 upstairs), but instead the pieces of history stored on the shelves, where there is no carpeting, and nobody ever played.

Relationships have their ebb and flow as well, high tide and low tide; the trick is getting in sync or sticking it out until you do. I have seen it play out with my friends, my family, my job, and my marriage.  It's human nature to go through phases but you have to recognize when you do or you end up missing out on the next level. In most circumstances, I feel the shift in the current and do my best to lay low and wait for the next wave. I regret the times I impulsively break away instead of treading water for a bit longer.

Friendships seem the most susceptible to the wax and wane. College friends and camp friends are the perfect example. Months can go by, and then one e-mail, phone call, even a Facebook post and we are back to nonstop chatter. We ease in and out of the relationship, with no hard or hurt feelings. No need to make excuses; I meant to call, sorry I haven't been in touch. It’s ok, we're all busy and we just pick up where we left off. The people in our everyday life are actually more complicated, because there is more room for error. The friend you talk to everyday feels more distant if 3 days go by; miss a few weekends or more with a couple you love to spend time with and someone ends up asking why. Proximity makes it harder to accept distance, when most of the time it's just the normal course of life that keeps us apart. I think we take for granted the people who we assume will always be waiting for us when we come up for air, and when they're not, it hurts. All it takes in most cases is one person, usually the one waiting for the phone to ring, to pick it up and dial. Maybe the person on the other end needs you to reach a little farther this time, and next time, when you drift away, they'll return the favor. Give and take, back and forth, ebb and flow.

Love is more complex. In a marriage or any relationship of the heart, we depend on the constant; peaks and valleys are scary. We want to be chased, but it's less exciting when we're caught. Insecurity makes us run when feelings aren't reciprocal, but maybe the other person just hasn't caught up yet. For some reason jumping rope comes to mind, Double-Dutch in fact (which I find fascinating to watch), the rope is spinning and two people wait to hop in; you watch them nod to the rhythm, and then the first jumper enters the cycle. They play alone for a while, keeping time and waiting to be a twosome. And when their partner is ready, it happens; up and down in perfect synchronization, like it was meant to be that way all along. The action continues; the more often they jump in and out, the better it gets. So maybe we have to bounce around a while by ourselves and wait for our mate to be ready. Even after 25 years of marriage (and probably because of it), I do know what it feels like to be “jumping” all alone for a time, waiting for the other person to hear the same beat. It's definitely frustrating and lonely, but I am certain that if each of us hadn't gone solo a few times we wouldn't have made it this far. Sometimes it's more obvious than others; easier to give space when a parent is sick or work is stressful and much harder when your other half is working through problems they can't explain and pull away while they figure it out. It’s hard to wait in the wings without knowing what’s keeping you there. My advice (which I can’t say I always take), be patient, some days we just have to go with the flow.

Same goes with the kids, I find myself bonding with one and feeling more distant to another on any given day, and just as quickly it will reverse and ease my worry. When my Ying is not aligned with their Yang I am relentlessly asking “what’s wrong, are you mad at me, why are you in a bad mood” (I think I do that with all the people I love). I need to accept that it's not always about me; I need to ease up and wait until we’re both on the same page. My maternal instinct makes it very hard to give them the "space" that they are very specific about needing; I'm learning that when I do, we end up in a better place together.

Work too, has its fluctuations. Some weeks offer constant reminders of why we show up every morning and then there are the days when the countdown to good-bye starts at minute one. A good week at work makes me feel needed and smart and successful and a bad one makes working at J.Crew sound pretty fulfilling. The littlest things can shift the scales in either direction. I am lucky to work in a place where a conversation with a grateful member or a visit to a toddler classroom for snack can put a smile on my face for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, it is also the place where we are asked to do things that sometimes don’t make sense and a long day can turn into a longer night if someone needs our help (which oddly enough can also make me happy). When I have a bad week, I fight the urge to run. I catch my breath and wait for my second wind, and I'm happy to be back in the game.

Blogging too has its ups and downs, some days it flows freely and other days I keep going back to the well. Today was one of those days, hope you get my drift.